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deej
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "merpmway" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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06:50 am
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Do you believe in love after D.J.?
So.....it happened. I finally have her. I asked her, and she said yes. (cue, fireworks, band, bambini with sparklers, and everything you can think of that could describe the biggest celebration of the year). It is like my heart is celebrating Our Lady of Mt. Carmel non-stop. Some people say watch what you wish for. Oh, I do. And she is beautiful. When I look at her, I just feel nothing but joy now. And when we kiss...wow. I can't even describe how great it feels. She's just the one I want to be with. I think about what if we never break up and I end up married to her....for the first time, I think about that unafraid. I would actually love that. Of course a day at a time. It's not all emotional though. Then again, it's not all physical. It's pretty much the perfect blend of the two. We love messing around with eachother, but if we had to live without it, it would be missed, but not mourned. Basically, she is awesome. She proves it to me time and time again. I only wish I could show it back as much as she does. I love her as a best friend, and I can't wait to love her even more one day.
There is that, however. I have no idea why, but I keep thinking about it. I don't think about it much, but it enters my mind from time to time. Like a bad feeling that keeps tugging at you. It's over now. What's done is done. So what if she did that. She's yours now. But it still bothers me. Why, though? I think I'm just being stupid. But you can't help stupid, and I can't help thinking about how that happened. It's kind of like how you have a great symphony, and an awesome orchestra, but on one small part, a trumpet cracked. You remember it, no matter how awesome the rest of the piece was. Or, for someone who isn't musically thoughtful, someone who comes in to an interview, is perfect for the job, has an awesome personality, but made a small political comment that you strongly disagree with. Well, kind of like that. Metaphors are never perfect. But still. I'm not worried it's going to happen again. I'm not scared about how she feels about me. I'm not scared how she feels about them. There's just something about it that I can't shake. *sospiro* sono un sciemo.
So summer is almost over. Wow. It's been one for the books. It has been full of everything. Drama (no matter how much I try to get away from it), confusion, happiness, sadness, fun, work, and just about anything else you can think of, really. I could tell from the first day it started it wasn't going to be good. And it wasn't the best one on record. It hurt. A lot. It was like reading and Edgar Allan Poe poem where his sentances go on and on and on, and they don't end ever, but you keep on reading hoping this one sentance will end soon even though it just seems to keep one going and going forever and ever. But even through that, I can't say I didn't have a blast. Camp. Friends. Les Mis. Everything. It was all just fun. I'm so glad I did everything I did. And then, just like a good fireworks show, it ends with a huge finale, full of big blasts, loud as hell salutes, and a feeling that you have just witnessed something you will remember the rest of your life.
I need to focus on my friends. I've neglected them as of late. I feel horrible. But this won't change us, poppet. Just you wait and see what's in store for us...
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08:39 am
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D.J.'s got a gun
Well, this is a great way to end the summer. What did i tell you? Every summer there's something that leaves me battered and bruised just in time for school. This time, though, there's hope. Which isn't good. I don't want hope. I already got the idea that there's no way. It's even been said. Not a snowball's chance. I'm just stupid.
I'm tired, confused, hurt, angry, sad, worried, scared, and i don't even know what else can describe it.
I'm extremely scared, though. It's so weird now. I hate that. Can't we just move on? Please?.....That's hard to do, though. We just need to hang i guess. I screwed up. I said the truth when I shouldn't. I just care too freaking much. Thus is my life.
Amo troppo piu'. Perche'? Lei e' una ragazza. Solo. Ma......non lo so. AIUTO! PER FAVORE, AIUTO!
The things i said, though. I meant it all. I really did feel that way. I shouldn't have said how i felt, but i did. That is where i screwed up. My job was solely to stand by and just give her arms to come to when needed. Not step in like i did. Why did i do that? I'm just stupid. I screwed up. Again. This summer was a screw up from the begining that I've just been paying for ever since.
There were gleaming moments, though. I've been reunited. With welcome arms. I'm really glad about that. I've just been so disconnected and they just welcome me back with smiles. Problems, yes, but that doesn't matter. Just a couple talks needed to happen. Plus, I've really changed. That is good and bad. I've yet to decide which is more precedent. I know myself better now. I know my purpose for now. I just screw it up. Also, she's been in it too. She's really cool. I'm so glad she's in my life.
Then there's her.....
I know how it seems like about her, but I've really portrayed her wrong. She is amazing. She looks amazing, she sounds amazing, her personality is just amazing. I can only ask myself why i could let this screw up.
But I did. Oh well. She's my best friend. Right now my goal is just to bring that back and hope it clings through this. I'm so scared it won't though.
You know, as you're flying through the air heading straight for the pillar, and you know that this is it....you can't help but wonder...."will I dream?"
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01:45 am
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D.J's got his beer goggles on
So i've finally realized it. I was staring my chance in the face months ago and gave it up. I don't get another one. Is it fair? Probly. Doesn't feel like it. I've gone from "it's a sure thing" to "this may not happen" to "just let it go". So get over it. Do something else. There has to be someone out there who can fix this.
Anybody?
I met the kid whos going to replace me at wedgewood. He seems like a cool kid. Yet to tell my brother, who also applied. Well, this is going to be pleasant.
I'm done. I have no more to write. Sorry. You spent the last few moments of your life not very wisely. Go fly a kite or something.
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12:50 am
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Sunny side of the D.J.
So here I am. Again. I've built myself up so high I can barely see the ground. Then, with one swift blow, i come tumbling down. They say it's not the falling that is scary, but the landing. I really had no fall, though. It was kind of up there, then suddenly pain. So, is this the life I'm supposed to lead? This repeated torture? The monotony of pain? I guess. It's not fair, but hey, I can handle this. Right?
You told me that God will see this and he will reward me. But I don't deserve that. What was I supposed to say? "Oh, go with me! I want you no matter how much of a mess I am right now and no matter how cool he is and how much you deserve him over me any day!" Yea, not cool. Plus, why ruin things? I'm good at being out of the way. Why not do what I'm best at.
For those of you who care, I put in my two weeks notice. I applied at another job, but i doubt I'll get hired. This means more free time for me. Yay.
I'm on my own again. But this time, I have experience at it.
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01:47 am
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You give D.J. a bad name
What's the old saying? "Nice guys finish last". That has never been truer for me. I've been a nice guy for a long time. I help people. Make sure everyone is happy. As long as everyone else is smiling, I'm smiling. But am I really smiling? I really do like helping people, but why do I feel like there's nothing coming for me? Does help come both ways? Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm really helping people or they just say I am. I don't feel anything. At the end of "Mr. Holland's Opus", he loses his job, and as a gift, all of the kids he taught and helped over the years came back and played the one piece he had been writing for years. Will I get this?
I remember my 16th birthday I think it was. My friends surprised me by taking me out when i wasn't expecting it. I actually was mad because I had to go to a graduation party on my birthday instead of hanging with my girlfriend at the time. So afterwards, we were all at her house, and I realized they all got together for my sake. Not just because it was my birthday and they had to like all my other parties. And it was just for me. Not for me and others. Did I really deserve that? Would I deserve it today. Psh, after everything I've done since then? Definately not. I try to be a good person, but I can't hide what I've done from myself. I've corrupted people, stolen, gorged in things I shouldn't have, lied, and done so many other things. It's really weird that people still like me.
My head is spinning. There is so much going on. Do I do this or this? How is this going to turn out? Which would be better for me? Why don't we talk? Should we be talking? All of these questions and more I ask myself on a daily basis. I feel like I need another week already. I guess band camp would be my only oppertunity, though not really since i'd still be around everyone. I just want to be myself. I don't want to wear this mask anymore. It's uncomfterble.
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12:44 am
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Hey D.J.
It's weird. When you are ignorant of a simple fact, how lulled into a sense of perfectness you can get. Just goes to prove my old quote "if you think everything is perfect, it isn't". Oh, how sweet bliss ignorance is. But is it worth the sad realization of just how stupid you are? How stupid you have acted? This is His plan, and I trust Him. But I also have to trust he is with me through this this time. No more screaming at nothing in the car. Just talking to Him quietly, gently getting his wisdom.
Last Friday night I woke up at 4 in the morning. I walked. I didn't know where to. I just did. Soon I found this chapel in front of me. The cross was lighted up, as if to say "Come here. This is for you". I walked to the chapel. I knew the doors would be locked, so I just sat on the bench looking out at the sky (the chapel was on a hill, so I didn't have to look up much). This feeling told me that I should try the door though. Feeling that it was futile, but also wanting this feeling to get away, I got up and went to the door. To my amazement, it was open. "Must be one of those old chapels that keep their doors open." So I walked inside. Immediately I was in the sanctuary. I sat down in the pews and just looked down. "Look up" came into my head. I did. There was a small red light. I got up to check it out, out of curiosity. It was an electric piano. Apparently, someone forgot to turn it off. Out of habit, I immediately sat down. My fingers landed on a straight C chord. I played it again, and soon found myself playing an old tune I remembered. I sang. I sang loud. It was dark. I couldn't see the notes, but they kept coming. I sang loud. And suddenly I began to tremble and my voice quaked. I sang on. Then I stopped. Right on the last three words of the song. They kept on playing in my head. Then a voice called to me. It was not a voice of my own. It told me to listen to those words. I felt calm. I felt anxious. I felt peaceful. I felt full. I felt...awesomeness about me. This was surely a greater power than anything I have ever felt in my entire life.
So now I sit here. I know what must be done. I know I can do nothing but let it be.
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03:37 pm
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D.J. alert
Brushing my fingers through my hair
Trying to say that I don't care
Still it's enough to make me want to scream.
Driving fast and speeding through
The world is spinning, something new.
Life has to bring more than it can ever seem.
New things to catch, more things to break
The world can't give but it sure can take
The life from you, and throw it all away.
And so whats left, what's here to say
How can I know best, know what to pray for
What can i do to make it not end this way.
and why does the river have to rush on
and why can't i stop the world from breaking the dawn
and why can't i make time just slow down now.
I can't
"Nothing's imossible" is one more lie
I can't
Can't even give it one more try
I can't.
Everything's over, though its yet to start
I can't
Can't give much more to the needing heart I love.
...ill finish this later.
Have you ever needed to just brish your hair with your fingers and just tell yourself "youre ok"? does it work? sometimes. its fustrating when it doesn't. No one seems to notice. That's probly good though. If they think youre on top of things, you are on top of things, right?
Right?
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12:09 am
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Black Old D.J.
As fireworks go off in the distance, i can't help but wonder why I'm here and why I feel like this.
Yesterday wasn't the greatest day. In fact, it was kinda one of the worst. Thank God she can get me through it. So I woke up this morning hoping that today would be better. So i get up, get on the computer for a little, get a shower, get yelled at for playing the piano too annoyingly (that felt awesome), then got on the road for the family reunion. i gotta say, it wasn't that bad. a little boring. theres been better reunions, theres been worse. The annual softball game happened. It was actually kinda fun. I hit a good one way towards the woods out in left. that was cool. Then the rest of it was just sitting there waiting to leave. Then we did leave. Tony and I got the fireworks ready and then just waited. unfortunately the show didnt go as planned. Tony was too scared to get in, and it was just very unorganized. The finale was screwed up. I just wish i could do it again so i could do it better. and then all of today it just seemed everyone was in a bad mood. yich.
you know, that is the shortest paragraph but it tok the longest time to write. its so weird.
feelings need to go away. emotions need to die. just for a little. just enough to clear the brains of those who need it.
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01:21 am
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D.J. freed, D.J. forgiven
i am so tired. in more than one way. many more. my body aches, but still it has to march forward. my mind pounds, but still it races on. ho mal di cuore, ma sono vivo. im giong insane. the world is spinning so fast, yet i can only go so far until i feel like i have to hold on, or even until i dont think i can hold on much longer. i see things. i wish i see things. i hear things. i wish i hear them. i think things. i wish they were reality. a week ago it seemed like today would never get here. now that it is, i just dont see the point. they say that the light will sparkle in the misty river, but the river is just only a river. no lights. no mist. solo mal di cuore. solo me. vedo che loro insieme ed io penso.....perche non me? perche sono caguz.
se tu leggi questa....aiuto! per favore! sto morendo. ho bisogno di vita. *sospiro* non lo so.
les miserables is going better than expected. its actually a really good show. cant wait for all my friends to see it. cant wait for future shows.
i cant type anymore. good night.
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11:15 pm
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Livin on the D.J.
Today was....lak;mvilu....at best.
I woke up, immediately i was late. I got out of the shower with ten minutes to get to les mis rehersal. then my cousins car somehow ended up behind mine, and we both had trouble getting it started. then i finally get there. Let's just say these rehersals are getting less and less fun. and plus it seems like my one friend is growing farther from me for some reason. i would say there's a lot on his mind, but it seems its just happening to me. am i that annoying? or is it anohter thing. please, God, i hope its not taht. Mullane is pretty much what i expected. its the final stretch and its getting intense. the set is almost finished and we will be on stage in costume by the end of the week. I am fustrated that this is such a great play and i basically do nothing. I'm thinking about switching to the pit, but they might put that into consideration when i try out for future plays. *sigh* i guess this is just my stepping stone show. what a show to do that in, huh? there will be better ones this year i hope. or even better my senior year. I really hope I get to act with him. That would be the ultimate learning experiance. To act off him. And my favorite part is that there really aren't any others in our class like us. Then again, there are freshmen way better than me. And maybe I'm wrong about who's in my class (I have a huge class at my school, so it's possible). I just hope. Why lose that.
Anywho, then i had to take a friend home, which stunk because my other friend was picking up another friend and i wanted to see them. oh well. more about that later though...
Then i get home. Nap for a little. Then ortho. Nothing wrong there. Annoying i had to go though. then after that i came home, then took shawn home. last night we went to see "zohan" with adam sandler. that was awesome. so yea, i took him home, then went to panera just to chill. had some coffee and a cookie. I definately needed that. little did i know i needed that before work.
so i get to work. normal day. easy flow. it's all cool. then suddenly she texts me. you know, my friend who picked up my other friend? so yea, she texted me saying things gone down. I'm not going into specifics, but it was pretty big. she was a mess. i felt horrible. but within all of it, she still had me in mind and apologized for not being able to hang out tomarrow. she really is a great person. I am so glad she is my best friend. and i pray that everything works out. she really deserves it.
so now i sit here. my brother is making a cake. he asked me what kind i wanted right as he was liking the bowl. so yea. im turning 17 wednesday. i am able to go to rated r movies and...well, i'm not sure what else. i really have no feelings for it. you know, 16 i could drive, 18 i can vote and a lot of other stuff. 17....yea. oh well. hope this year is better than the last. not that the last one wasn't that bad, but it could have been better.
Ciao, mio amico. Sono parlo italiano, ma non troppo bene. Come sta?
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12:07 pm
[Link] | Last night was one of the most memorable nights of my life. School was ok that day. It was 90+ degrees outside, and I almost couldn't take it. I went home and immediately took off my pants. Then later I got changed and at about 615, I arrived at the High School. I warmed up and everything. It was a jazz show. The spring concert in the cafeteria. The best of the year. When we started playing, it wasn't as hot as we all thought it would be, though it was still pretty hot. It was almost the most perfect night for me (not getting into the almost right now). Jazz 3 did as good as possible, which was pretty good if i must say. My sax wasn't working like it should. I've yet to figure that one out. Then Jazz 1......just awesome. I had 3 seperate solos, 2 written in the music. Both I memorized. My favorite was Count Bubba's Revenge. The crowd was just amazed at how every section could go on without a rythem section. Then our final song, Minuano, was just incredible. It was the best we've ever played it.
Then afterwards a few of us went to the Mocha House for a while. I saw Filipe there. That was cool. Then Suddenly we all went to our piano player's house for a random pool party. Well, I didn't want to go home, becasue i knew they would wonder waht i was doing, so i went with my suit on. It was really hot still. They threatened to throw me in the pool with my suit on, so I had only one option. To show off my joe boxer Smiley boxers. I actually went into the pool just in my boxers. Yea. I'm cool. Then once i got out, it was very obvious my boxers were not swim trunks, even though they really didn't show anything. So after a few laughs, I decided it was time to get goin home before my parents realize im not at the mocha house. so i drive home in my boxers then change in my driveway. that was fun.
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07:16 am
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I've got D.J.
You know what? It does hurt. A lot. It hurts because this is huge, and yet we play it off as no big deal. This is one of the greatest things i'll ever do and you had to ruin it. What hurts the most is this: you said it would be different. Well, obviously it's not. If this is the way it's going to be, i guess I'm in for a pretty long road.
and i can't tell you any of that.
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11:42 pm
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Wake me up when D.J. ends
So today wasn't awesome. Thank God i can go through the school day without letting on, but work was terrible. I was the only dishwasher, and even though it really wasn't bad, i just felt so rushed. I was scared to take a break from anything. Then when i finally did i spent the first five minutes in the back just breathing. I guess i'll start from the very beginng.
I woke up in a sweat. Breathing hard, i reached for my phone finding out its only 230. actually, exactly 230. I could remember it all vividly. her and i walking along. then a great chasm. a bang of thunder. a flash of lightening. shes millions of miles away and im just falling. as im going at what i can only guess is a velocity of 9.8 m/s, all i can think about is her. and then i imagine someone else calling me. its the other her. in a vision i see her burning at the stake. shes calling for help and i can't do a thing about it. then i see the ground. its racing towards me. i wonder if it will hurt. i panic. i scream. i wake up.
so several hours later i wake up. i walk out the door very late with 2 uniforms a hat bucket a bookbag and an alto sax. Bob and Tom was funny this morning. I cna't remember it but i remember it actually calmed me down. I walked into school and turned in my uniform stuff with my friend handling my alto (i swear, shes a freakin lifesaver). so we go to orchestra listen to speeches, and then play festive overture at the most mind numbingly slow speed possible, and then a little slower. (the playlist for next year is amazing. brass galore. especially trombone. and we actually have the bones to do it next year). then italian. i swear, shes making half the stuff up in there. Everyone looks at me for the answers and all i can do is just stare back and go "iunno". thats kind of embarressing for me. then bio was actually pretty fun, talking about matt being gay and imagining me naked, albatrosses, getting pulled over with weed in your car, and why kevin isn't fit for this world. (man i wish she were single. not that shed go with me anyway). so then lunch. my friend was talking about some familiar circumstances, one part of it being that shes been in the same circumstance for a while now, and another part being that i kinda have the same situation only its a lot more....hidden? then band, jim kim and i went around hunting down baritones, and ruggieri pulls vocalist tryouts out of nowhere. i was incredibly unprepared. but i do agree with the winner anyway. even if it means i probably dont have a shot in hell next year either. then the rest of the day trickled down from there. Jazz is going great. Jazz 3 is ok. She needs to stop pumping sugar into her veins!!! Then i go home, eat, then to work, which i've already talked about.
I'm not sure how to put it. It's all so confusing. It's not a blur anymore, but it keeps changing on me. Shape shifting. Basically, I have been given options, but i cant go for any of them. So waht do i do? What can I do? Where is another option? Door 3, proverbially. Summer is coming up. I don't have a good track record with summers. Ever since summer '04, really. I have a feeling july will be the month. Which is ironic, because it has the two things i cant wait for: 4th of july, and seneca. who knows.
I'm at a crossroad, each way with a sign saying go the other way. So I can sit here and wait for the wind to blow these signs down, or I can just go down a path and see what happens. Thing is, one path has huge pieces of glass, the other cluttered with litter.
What would I tell myself? Probably that there is a third way somewhere. The door is locked, so find the window. But I want the door so bad...
I guess that's why I've stopped giving advice.
Oh, and by the way, I know you probably wont read this, but if you do, I want to help. I know i said I don't give advice, but who better to talk to than someone who you know has no reason to tell others. A piu' tardi.
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03:57 pm
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I am the D.J.
Aching, though i'm still going. falling, yet i've already hit the ground. It seems everything is moving so fast and that my mind can't keep up. then when i look up, nothing has moved. its like being trapped in a hyperbolic time chamber full of blank. its impossible. to move this fast, yet be in the same place. but its happening. my body aches. my mind races. i think of people i need to talk to. i think of people i cant talk to. i think of people i shouldnt be talking to. i think of people who dont talk to me.
cymbals crash. drums pound. horns blare. chimes ring. people yell. sounds like friday. i cant think. i cant talk. i cant breathe. i wonder what theyre playing.
i made that stupid recording today. it sucked. i got the music 5 days ago and it was way too hard to learn in taht time, let alone the time i gave it between everything else. plus my lips are screwed up for some reason. i could barely play D above the staff. i know i didnt do good. my dad even told me not to sweat it and just to focus on next year.
next year. where will i be in a year? will i even be in a year? theres no way to say. i know there will be a next year. there will be others. maybe ill be in the mix too.
if you havent gathered by now, my life is very confusing at this point. i dont know what i think or how i feel. i know i feel. but for what. its like an old picture. you once had an idea of what it looked like, but now its warped, blurred, and you cant make out the details. so now you have an outline. its up to you to fill in the blanks. theres no one to look off of either.
where is everyone? i see them, i talk to them, but they arent there. not like they used to be. i miss those summer nights with them. i miss those random moments with them. i remember birthdays. i remember parties. i remember fire. then i remember disconnection, floating away, watching as they got smaller and smaller. now whats going on?
im home alone now. no one is here. the perfect time to make some music without feeling it like an annoyance. i think ill take it. and never come back.
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11:29 pm
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Beast and the D.J.
There's a reason I actually chose the beast and the harlot to spoof for a title. I tried to doodle something on the piano for my symphony. somehow, it came out as beast and the harlot. thats not creepy. i'll even make a drum that sounds like some guy yelling in the backround.
I'm missing something. What is the question. I've been mulling a lot of things over. I'm not getting much sleep. I'm not going to get very much sleep. I didn't sleep last night, this night isn't looking good, tomarrow i get home from work at 11, i have to be at the relay for life at 3 am, and then i work again till close. I hope to God in heaven sunday is a good day. But back to i'm missing something. I can't figure out what. what i did figure out? I'm going insane.
Reasons why I'm going insane:
1. I am a great musician, yet i suck. This i tell myself every day.
2. I can't sleep because I am too busy thinking.
3. My two best friends are hooking up, and I am so happy for them, yet I don't want to get in the way like i ALWAYS do
4. My love life is more confusing than a conservative in an abortion clinic.
7. I'm getting senioritis in tenth grade
6. Apparently, I can't count.
5. I can't come up with answers like i used to, no matter how hard I try.
8. I am so paranoid that people are thinking weird stuff about me, and i dont know why i care. (seriously, i know you know i exsist, at least acknowledge me with more than an "uh huh")
9. My stutter is coming back. I've had it under control, but now I can't help it.
10. I'm sitting here writing out my thoughts in hopes that maybe I can stop thinking about them.
"Box"
Box.
Pretty little box.
Sitting on the shelf.
Silly little fox.
I still can't help but wonder, what could be under
the pretty little bow, of the pretty little bow, of the pretty little bow, of the pretty little
Box.
Satin laced box.
Sitting by itself.
Tricky little lox.
What should I do with this one? Special little play one.
Curly reddish bow, unordinary glow, not moving to nor fro, should i never let it
go.
Box.
Pretty little box.
Sitting on the shelf.
The other ones it mocks.
Wish that i could keep it, but the mop can't sweep it
or the wet it made, or the wet it made, or the wet it made or the wet it made
in the
box.
Then somebody took it.
Had the courage to look it
Found a brand new locket
With a heart of gold.
He wears that locket
he just wants to flaunt it
protects and defends it
it will never get old.
Box.
empty little box.
all that i have left.
not even some rocks.
but i dont really care
just about the gold there
all i really want is the will to look in
is the will to look in
is the will to look in
is the will to look in
is the will to look in
the
box.
I want a new box
I want some new rocks
I want an oppertunity
To prove that I can do
Exactly what not to
And not care about consequences.
I want a new box
I want some new rocks
cause I want it
I want it
I want it
I want it
I
want
it
i
want
it
Box.
Imaginary box.
sitting on the shelf
Right next to the my spine.
Sure you can not see it
but you can not be it
Until you see the other side, till you see the other side, till you see the other side
of the box.
Wow, i just read that. I have no idea what that was. I just typed.
I won't sleep tonight. I don't think I'll text her though. Why pop a newly inflated tire.
box?
Current Location: my living room in my underwear
Current Mood:  restless
Current Music: the little band that won't go away
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07:06 pm
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Right said D.J.
My mother called our house phone 6 times. Once i answered, i realized no one was home. She's taking my aunt and uncle to the airport to take the trip down to florida that we were supposed to, my dad's spring break was last week, so he's teaching this week, my brother is probably over a friends house or roaming the streets of applewood, and my sis is at college of course. So as i sit here in the quietness of my house, i sit. Bored. I read a note nicole apparently wrote last night. i decided to ramble in my own little note. see where it goes.
I lied. My brother is at track practice. I just remembered.
I miss track. Not high school, but middle school. That was the best thing I've ever done. You would think it was some sort of music program. No, it was middle school track. Handel was a great coach and a great guy. I remember back in the beginning of seventh grade, i did my shuttle run, and afterwards he looks at his stopwatch and goes "You're running track". Sure enough, there i was, one of the fastest seventh graders. and then back next year as an eighth grader, one of the top runners again. I loved it. We joked around, worked out, and had tons of fun. Handel always had some sort of wise crack, and we would race from time to time just to see who was best. I knew i wasn't but i was pretty close. It was between me, cameron, and TJ. I've always had a silent grudge over TJ. It isn't his fault, more so it's mine. But whenever you talk about who's faster, it's him who comes up. Which he deserves to be. Blasted the middle school record, took the high school record for 100m. sometimes i wonder what if he never came. Would I stand a chance at being the fastest? Oh well.
High school track wasn't for me. It was just way too different. Maybe I'll try it again my junior year. Just to see if I like it better. Maybe it was just different because I didn't get it.
Which leads me to my true passion: music. A lot of people think I am a greek or roman god of music. I really wish these people would disappear. It's not true in the least bit. By reality's terms, I suck out loud. Literally. The only reason I'm as good as I am now is because my father just happens to be my father. Everywhere i've gone, there are people saying "oh, he's a Colella. He'll get in." This ruins everything. I used to believe my last name was the reason for all of my musical achievements. Now I know that's not true. For the most part. I still believe the two reasons I was top chair in middle school was just because of my last name and the fact that the other baritone's couldnt play. But now, I'm in Stambaugh. Stambaugh I can see how I could have gotten in through my last name, but I now believe more that I got in through how good my audition went. BK, who currently gives me lessons, knew my father, but I don't think good enough to base how good I am off of that. YSYO is true proof. Dr. Gage is an amazing person. He is honest, sincere, and knows exactly what he's talking about, and knows when he doesn't. So me getting second chair this year wasn't at all through kinship. He knew how good of a player I was, not my father. This makes these two groups so much more valuable than any honors band, community band, or anything I've been in.
Allora, back to the fact I suck. Think I don't? Here's why I do:
1)My articulation is CRAP!
2)I have no technical skills. I know a few scales, but that doesn't prove anything in the musical world.
3)My lips are weak. I have a good range, yea, but my flexibility is just too weak. I can't even do lip trills.
4)I have no sense of being in tune. Granted, this is getting better. But whenever I play a simple Bb scale, the notes are just so out of tune.
5)Sure, I can double toung on a single note, but double tounging a scale is my worst nightmare.
My dog is whining. I really wish she would shut up.
It's pretty weird that Nicole was talking about death last night since at that very moment i was having a dream about one. Two, actually. They were both basically flashbacks. First was a flashback to my papa's last few days. They say you can't feel pain in dreams, but I got to as close to pain as I could possibly get. I miss him. He was a little crazy, but he was my grandfather. Heh, I still find it funny that he died 3 days after hospice said he would. He was one of those strong farmer types. Didn't give up easily. Then it was a skip over to my other grandpa's death just a month later. He looked up to my papa. Once papa died, grandpa just gave up. It was kinda weird spending a day you thought would be at a family birthday party at a hospital waiting for a man you love and respect to die, along with a century's worth of traditions. My dream was different than what actually happened, though. I was walking through the halls, and then I came into the room. He looks up and looks at me. Then he tells me something he told me when he was up and alive. "D.J., never get old". Then He laid down. I woke up.
My brother is home. Now there's a little noise in the house.
You know what I hate about good people? You can't say anything about them. They are exactly what you want to be, and maybe a little more, but you aren't. As a result they take a path you want to be on and all you can do is watch them as they do all these things you want to. Talking to the friends you want to be talking to, saying the things you wish you could think of, doing things you wish you could possibly do. But it's useless talking about that. No one would listen nor care anyway. they'd say im crazy. which makes sense because I am.
My fingers are tired. So am I.
My brother is playing piano. He's actually getting pretty good. I wonder if he'll take the path I wanted to when I was his age.
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11:26 pm
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Why do all D.J.'s think they're fat
today is just a crappy day. it shouldnt have been. I woke up half an hour late. fine. i end up picking up joelle since steve had an 103.2 degree fever and his eyes hurt. so along with her i had to bring my sax for jazz 3 and clarinet for st charles. oh boy. so school today was actually not bad. science was funny as usual, band wasn't too too bad, and jazz was pretty fun seeing as we actually got the chorus people to sing chatanooga and i got the confirmation of me singing crazy little thing for the concert and the packard jazz fest. jazz 3 was great. ruggieri was having fun, so we were having fun, and i had a great solo during "put it where you want it". i can't wait for this concert. well, it goes downhill from there. alexandria and i went to bellaria becuase we thought an hour would be enough time to eat and get to st charles. nope. we ended up having to skip it becuase by the time we'd get there we'd have to leave for stambaugh. so we get almost to the auditorium when i remember in all of the thousand instruments i have in my car, i dont have my baritone. so i had to run home and get it making me fifteen minutes late (thank GOD no cops were on 680 today) and i was just in a pissed off mood for the rest of the night. sorry liz and stephan for kinda being an asshole. so now im home. in bed. relaxed. i just want to sleep for a couple months.
things end. new things begin. life sucks. stop whining about it. get used to it. stop being a freaking baby about it.
you deserve a lot more than you think. you dont need to punish yourself to make yourself better. just be truthful. and if you have something you want to say to me, please say it instead of having me read it somewhere. i might feel the same way.
well,im going to bed. gnight.
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09:36 pm
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coin operated D.J.
So this starts the week of OGT. To be honest, they aren't bad. Just annoying. I have Amero for a room. It's fun because I can make a comment to her in Italian and she'll allow it instead of telling me to be quiet because no one understands us anyway. So the rest of school is on 2 hour delay schedual. Which is cool. Math tomarrow. That'll be a sinch.
Music wise, everything's in the speeding up process, but the begining of that. blue coats have had three rehearsals, concert season for band is getting to more concert than rehersal, ysyo and sycb is getting down to the wire. but that's all under control. i can handle that stuff. I've noticed that when i sit next to weisberg i play better. no idea why. keiser is getting a lot better. he's showing me a lot of stuff. and niro has always been great. music is good. i'm liking it. the only downside is i have to arrange twenty minutes of stuff for the trio. but thats not till august. i can do that.
I never actually had a feeling of snapping off someone's neck and just watching the blood shoot up. congratulations. oh, and by the way, would you stop being so stupid! you say things that make me want to punch babies! thats not exaggeration.
I've realized something. I am incapable of love. Let me explain. I've had a chance to like a girl. I mean she was exactly my type: cute, funny, interesting, just opposite enough to not argue but have a fun conversation. Thing is, i dont like her. at all. and i realize, this has happened time and time again in the last year. i just haven't liked anyone. I've looked into the possibilities for this. I don't like anyone in the back of my mind. I've cycled through all the girls i know and a few i don't. I'm not gay. I actually thought of that. But i'm not. Plus brandy would have told me if i was or not because of her "gaydar". So it only leaves one conclusion. At least for now, i am incapable of love. Maybe that'll change. Honestly, right now, i could care less. More money in my pocket and more time i can devote to other stuff. though it would be nice to have someone to call my own...
I hate elections. It's literally putting the country between a rock and a hard place.
well, it's late. not really, but i have a test tomarrow.
...you told me if everything's not right, it's not over. but what if it's not getting right?
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12:49 pm
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A D.J. with no name
so thursday i went to the hospital. they got me to my room, did a few vitals tests, and then got me in the room where they were doing the catheterization. i was in my gown, they lay me on the table, and give me some laughing gas. this is where i learn my first lesson. I am really funny when I'm high. "Hello David. I am your doctor" "Why hello doc, I am your patient" "Well that's good. At least I'm in the right place" "That's good. You'll probably be able to tell me where I am then" "Well, your on a table about to fall asleep" "Yes. fall into sleep and have my kidney stolen. sounds fun". this was part me remembering and part what they told me the conversation sounded like. oh, and there were a lot of "I'm still awake!"s going on. so later i wake up. Immediately, i feel crappy. i lay there for a while, then as im getting more awake, they wheel me back in the room. I'm able to get from the stretcher to my bed on my own poewr, but after that i just kinda laid there for a while. The fallowing 25 hours were full of agony, pain, akward checkings of the dressings (it just so happens to be right on my groin area), and very little sleep. friday morning came and they were telling me, as soon as they can get an echo done (basically, an ultrasound of my heart), they'll get my discharge papers and ill be free to go. i waited the longest time ever. ever. it felt like eternity. finally i got the echo done and i was allowed to get dressed (i.e. not in a gown that reveals my butt) and leave. so we get into the car and my dad starts telling my mother he had to pay 16 dollars becasue they forgot to get the parking ticket validated. I started getting really ticked off as they waited an hour trying to get their money back, and to no avail. i didnt say anything to them, but i was just so ticked off. all i really wanted to do was go home. so we finally left cleaveland, picked my sis up on the way, and we got home. i just went to bed and just rested there all night. i tried to get up to see someting my brother wanted to show me, but i just couldnt. so i went to sleep and this morning took my first shower. pain. the bandages came off though. so my limp is less noticable. i notice, though, taht they kinda trimmed the bushes down there. trim is an understatement. they hacked away the branches. and they tried to even it out (creeps me out when i think about them doing that) which only makes it look wierder. I mean, im not really worried about anyone visiting for a while, but it still bothers me. so now im just trying to practice walking without a limp. not working. oh well.
i started reading this book jul gave me last night. it's called "cut". it's so interesting. i'm only a third of the way through it and i already think i've leanred a lot. I'm making notes too. trying to learn more from it. it's just really interesting.
my mother is really sick. not deathly sick, but "i just got run over by a truck" sick. she was vomiting last night. it was making me sick too. something tells me its becuase of me shes sick. iunno.
so now im just getting back to normal. theres a new story every day. just try to keep up i guess.
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11:43 pm
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It's a small D.J. after all (wow, that's low esteem, isn't it)
so tonight i got home from the "happiest place on earth". its wierd. when i was there, it didnt seem very memorable at all, but once i came home and started explaining everything to my parents on the way home. The trip down sucked. 24 hours on a bus. cool thing is thought this one freshman was stupid enough to pay me five bucks to move to the back of the bus where more of my friends were, along with a couple people i made friends with. immediately upon getting there we got dressed and went swimming. they had two pools (one heated, one that was so cold, i swear to God it had ice cubes floating around in it), and then they had a hot tub. thats where i spent most of my time. then i met this kid named angelo. he was from australia. he was one of the coolest kids ive ever hung out with. then he met nicole, and they both were greek so of coarse she loved him haha. then of coarse the room key giving ceremony was ruined due to the fact that they were either still inhabited or still weren't cleaned. so we headed to epcot. the first thing we did was head to the test track. well, techincally the first thing we did was losing alexandria, but after that, was test track. in line, there was this family who was speaking either french or italian. i still wish i had asked them where they were from so that i could stop wondering. oh well. that one girl was cute too. test track was ok. was kinda hoping itd be better but oh well. so after that we decided to eat at the differant countries. it was great. all the differant countries were awesome, and then italy was awesome. didnt really have any food there though. so i jsut had tiramisu and met up with everyone again. then the fireworks that night were awesome. best fireworks of the week were that night, without a doubt. after that, we got back on the bus and went to the hotel. finally we got a room. howard, jonston, and hazenstab. i knew this was a bad idea from the start. i just got my bed saved and fought off anyone who wanted it. i immediately passed out on the bed since the bus meant absolutely no sleep.
its way too late. the rest of the week later
very confused. stop it!!!!
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